Modern Marriage

Modern Marriage

This past week I read an article in NY Mag entitled “Married (Happily) With Issues”. Written by San Francisco author Elizabeth Weil, the article chronicles her and her husband’s attempts to reinvest in their marriage. Their renewed efforts exposed deep-seeded problems, from financial disagreements to communication issues to conflicting ideas on how to spend free time – in short, the same issues that most married couples seem to encounter. What made the article interesting to me was a particular point Weil made about the ways in which we approach and invest energy in romantic relationships – or rather, the surprising ways in which we don’t. We take relationships for granted and don’t invest the necessary energy to maintain or create them the way we do with other parts of our lives – careers, health, hobbies, etc.

This got me thinking about “the modern marriage” and the next generation of relationships and unions. I am 26 and most of my friends are in their mid to late twenties – approaching what traditionally has been that time in life when you invest in relationships and take the plunge into the marriage pool. Interestingly, hardly any of my friends have taken that plunge. Of my friends who are in relationships, most cite logistical reasons for not taking the relationship to the next level - both parties are in school, thinking about school, or are dating long distance as career choices take each partner to a different city. Others are content with the current state of their long-term relationship, but fear further commitment because “what if he/she’s not really the one?”

Amongst my single friends, most say that they want a serious romantic relationship, yet are not willing to take the tangible steps necessary to make it a reality. Whether it be working too much, moving frequently, or simply taking a lackadaisical approach to dating, most are more interested in developing their own sense of self and purpose than pursuing a commitment with another.

Of course there are still many who are pursuing serious relationships and marriage – but the number who are not is interestingly significant. Which brings me to the question: what does the future of marriage and relationships look like for my generation of driven, urban professionals? Why do many remain unattached and uncommitted, despite stated intentions or desires? There are a few theories out there.

One is that we are being guided by the false expectation that a great relationship will happen, regardless of effort. It’s the classic “you can do and have everything just by being you!” sentiment, catalyzed by our parent’s desire to shield us from the hard work and ladder climbing that they had to do, as well as the depiction of effortless romance and fairytale relationships by the media.

Another is gender equality – as women continue to enter the workforce and pursue not just vocations and part-time work but full-time demanding careers, marriage becomes more nuanced. Decisions around geographic mobility, family planning, and child rearing involve negotiation and collaboration in a way that can create added stress. It is possible for two ambitious, career-oriented people to enter into a successful union – I have seen it work with my own parents – but not without an acknowledgement of the increased energy and investment it will require. Furthermore, as women gain financial independence, marriage becomes less an economic necessity and so marrying latter in life is more viable, even desirable.

Finally, the increased rate of divorce over the last twenty years or so has, in my opinion, scared some people into solitude. It is common for people to look towards their parent’s marriage as a model, and for those whose parents had an ugly break-up or painful divorce, marriage hearkens feelings of fear and doubt. A prevalent sentiment is that it is better to be alone than to fail.

None of this is particularly new and there is a lot literature out there on the topic, but it continues to fascinate me. The fact that cultural and sociological shifts and macro-level forces can affect something so central to people’s individual lives – to my own life even – is pretty mind-boggling. I welcome your thoughts on the future of the modern marriage and relationship.

The article by Elizabeth Weil I referenced can be found here: http://www.nytimes.com/indexes/2009/12/06/magazine/index.html