Emotional Intelligence

It cannot be denied that in America today there exists a powerful subset of elite who have been ‘running the show’ - in government, on Wall Street, and in the boardroom. We see these people as “the best and the brightest”; presumably they have made their way to the top because of their intelligence and their hubris.

And yet, over the last several years we’ve seen a complete breakdown of the economic and political systems that they are charged with (as noted by David Brooks in his column last week.) How could this happen? One thing Brooks suggests briefly is that we as a society have a very narrow view of intelligence, and completely neglect to consider and reward emotional intelligence*: the ability to identify, assess, and manage the emotions of one's self, of others, and of groups.

I could not agree more. Having worked in a high functioning corporate environment, I’ve been exposed to many leaders considered part of the “power elite”. Most went to Ivy League schools and are highly intelligent in the traditional sense. Of this group, the ones who are the most effective, who truly inspire, motivate, and engage, are the ones who have a high level of emotional intelligence. They are empathetic, open, and able to deeply perceive and connect with the sentiments of a group. They have a humble understanding of how they fit into the current social and political context of their organization, as well as awareness around their own emotional tendencies. They also have the ability to bounce back quickly from failure, with an understanding of the lessons that can be gleaned, and with a positive outlook on the future.

Empathy, self-awareness, positive thinking – these elements of emotional intelligence are absolutely tantamount to success. So why don’t we value them more? Why don’t we teach emotional intelligence to children in schools, and incorporate it into the cultural fabric of more organizations? Other nations are far ahead of us on this. Perhaps it is because we see emotional intelligence as being at odds with the capitalistic values of competition and individualism that have built our nation and brought us historical success. However in today’s complex world of conflicting interests and limited resources, it is clear that these values are only taking us so far.

In my opinion, artists are some of the most emotionally intelligent people, because the creative process in large part involves observation, empathy, emphatic feeling, and reflection. For this reason, I look towards artists for inspiration and emotional learning. I recently watched a TED talk** with Eve Ensler (playwright, author, and performer). In the talk (about the suppression and destruction of girlhood around the world), Ensler says:

"The irony of course is that denying girl, suppressing girl, suppressing emotion, refusing feeling has led us here, where we have now come to live in a world where the most extreme forms of violence, the most horrific poverty, genocide, mass rape, the destruction of the earth, is completely out of control...we do not feel what is going on, so we're not being charged with the adequate response to what is happening."

Ensler’s analogy of “denying girl” is in many ways equivalent to denying our emotional intelligence – that part of our brain and our being that allows us to feel, to connect, and to empathize. While I think she takes it a bit far (probably for dramatic affect), I do agree with the sentiment that denying emotional expression is bad for the individual, and bad for society. Imagine a world where people truly strived to understand each other, and could better comprehend and regulate their own emotional responses. Countless friendships, relationships, and partnerships would be salvaged, even lives saved, if people had the courage to say what they felt and to say it well, and to listen, with thoughtfulness.

I’ve been lucky enough to take a ten-week course on emotional intelligence (thanks to my employer)– and it has had great effect on my life. I hope that emotional intelligence becomes more widely publicized and integrated into our education system and corporate worlds, so that we can reverse the trend of its undervaluation in American society.

*A good general overview of emotional intelligence is Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (1996).

**TED Talks are an amazing source of inspiration, emotional and otherwise. TED.com is a small nonprofit devoted to “ideas worth spreading”. On their website they provide free access to lectures by highly successful people on topics such as technology, design, sustainability, and human rights (among many, many others).

Home Sweet Home

Perhaps I've been reading too many design and apartment makeover blogs lately, or perhaps I assume others are as nosy about people's homes as I am (you know who you are), but I thought it might be fun to share some pictures of my humble abode - my (tiny!) SF studio apartment. When you have a small space, love design, and enjoy nesting, as I do, you tend to become meticulous about the things you place in and around your home. Here's how I've gone about it:

I wanted bedding that had natural, floral elements, but without being too girly. I got this beige and brown garden duvet at the mass-market home decor mecca, Anthropologie. The painting hanging over the bed is one I did while taking classes with Susan Miller (Susan Miller Gallery, Union St.). I wish I had a better bedside table (this one is a shoddy excuse for craftsmanship from Ikea).

I love my iHome alarm clock and ipod player (it is, however, a bit bulky, and I'm sure they now sell much sleeker ones). Above the stack of books is a postcard I picked up at a store in Santa Monica that says "Meditation is for Everyone". It reminds me to (try) and do a quick meditation on the day right before I go to sleep.

I think that the books you choose for your bedside table are supremely important. There should be a mix of "staple books" (things that you like to flip through frequently, or that provide inspiration and thought provocation), and of course your current reads. I am currently reading Zeitoun, by Dave Eggers (for a book club), and Against Interpretation, by Susan Sontag. The rest are all regulars:

• Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Kundera, and Either/Or, A Fragment of Life, by Kierkagaard (for intellectual foyers)
• Strike Sparks, by Sharon Olds (when a poetry mood strikes)
• Practical Idealists, by Wilson, Barham, and Hammock (trying to learn how to have it all)
• The Principles of Uncertainty, by Maira Kalman (beautiful, beautiful book)
• Change by Design, by Tim Brown (design thinking is EVERYWHERE)
• Collaborative Habit, by Twyla Tharp (her soothing tone calms me)

I'm a big believer in a big, clear desk. No cluttered paperwork, no filers. Just a few important objects, and your computer. Nothing is more inspiring and makes you feel more like a 'professional' writer (or whatever), than a good desk. This dark wood desk is from Ikea, but is surprisingly sturdy and of good quality. In the center I have a desk calendar, note-cards (to inspire me to write thank you notes often), an old photograph of my grandparents, and some candles.

This little love seat couch pulls out into a twin bed, and has been a godsend for my out of town guests. It's actually comfortable, I don't know how - good work Crate and Barrel. Throw pillow and blankets from Pier One, guitar is a Guild (shamefully out of tune).

Perhaps my favorite thing in the apartment is this black and gold lacquer Japanese cabinet. I got it about ten years ago in Los Angeles (Japantown), and really love the funkiness that it adds to my space. It is crammed full of books and art supplies. The house slippers are handmade from Jaipur, India. The pictures in the frame are snapshots from my 2009 trip to Argentina and Brazil.

And finally, the kitchen. This is my baker's rack where I keep my dishes and kitchen knick knacks. The colorful tumbler cups and small plates in the front are from Pottery Barn, a gift from mom. The elephant teapot and small blue and yellow cups at the top are from Anthropologie. The small unframed picture on the left hand side is a Jennie Smith print that I picked up at Little Otsu in the Mission; the larger framed poster in the back is a John Post photograph of my hometown, Manhattan Beach.

Hope you enjoyed the tour. Interior design is a veritable playground for design lovers, and I have a feeling I will constantly be reinventing and reinvigorating my home with new items and themes. I look forward to having more space (and more funds) to play with in the future.

Gender Wars

Lately the news media has been rife with stories about the increased rate at which women are entering higher education and the workforce. The public discussion seemed to start with the release of a new study from the Pew Research Center in January titled “New Economics of Marriage: The Rise of Wives”. The study finds that in recent decades, women have outpaced men in education and earnings growth, a trend that has resulted in shifting and increasingly ambiguous gender roles in marriages and relationships.

Since the release of this study, there has been a flood of follow-up articles analyzing the potential pros and cons of this “new” arrangement. Today I saw one such story in the New York Times that discussed the repercussions of this new gender imbalance specifically for female college students. According to the author, the growing scarcity of men on university campuses is leading to decreased dating amongst co-eds, and heightened insecurities amongst female students who worry about being able to find a suitable match in their early twenties. He writes that this phenomenon has created an atmosphere where it is acceptable for young men to aggressively and nonchalantly play the field, and where young women must reluctantly acquiesce to casual hook-ups and flings in place of committed relationships.

I’m certainly interested in this topic. I am a young professional woman, and as such know many other successful young women. I also know plenty of young men. And, when I reflect, it does seem that my female friends in their early twenties tend (on average) to be more intensely focused on career aspirations, professional growth, and intellectual growth (Although I might argue that for men, this impulse kicks in later, perhaps in the early thirties, when they start to focus more on providing for a family and gaining more financial stability.)

This fact does leave many of my friends feeling uncomfortable. After reading these types of articles, they get nervous about their ability to find eligible men who will be their equal in terms of ambition and intellect, despite their willingness and readiness to be in committed relationships. I myself sometimes wonder, should I be worried about the consequences of my choice to pursue a graduate degree and a career? Are these choices mutually exclusive to choosing a partner and a family? A creeping feeling of panic has been known to set in from time to time.

And this is why I take issue with these articles. The fact that more women are entering college, strengthening their minds, and contributing ideas to the world is something we should all be celebrating, not fearing – it is something that generations of women have fought for. Portraying educated women as “victims” is dangerous because it encourages a social construct where women can only be happy and whole if they are attached in some way to men (a concept we've never forced upon men).

Furthermore, by overstating the potential “negative” consequences of increased female education, we put women in a position to question their decisions around pursuing education – a position that I find to be not only unfair, but also unproductive. A million and one variables exist within each of our individual lives before such a macro-level trend might come into play – family background, ethnicity, religion, geographic location, personality traits, etc. While it is tempting to ponder the potential impact such a cultural and demographic phenomena has on our own lives, we are far better off focusing on the matrix of personal opportunities that lie before us.

As such, while I find the Pew study and these articles interesting and fun to ponder, I refuse to be discouraged by them and acquiesce to the idea that pursuing higher education is potentially cutting me off from a happy romantic partnership. I know plenty of amazing women who balance professional and academic aspirations with wonderful relationships with equally amazing men. I think that these articles don’t give men enough credit - I have faith that the male species is going to evolve with this changing landscape, and we will see a new kind of gender egalitarianism that will surely only benefit both groups. And if not, I can be content in the knowledge that I have pursued my passions and made no sacrifices based on insecurity and fear. I don’t think that is too bad of a worst-case scenario.